An Essential Motto to Live By

My dad the reptile, or more specifically the tortoise, is a pretty wise little guy. He told me once, after I came home terrified from a nasty encounter with a mean creature at school, that there was an essential rule to life by. I thought that it was pretty profound and damned brilliant, so I want to share it with you here.

“Each day, be less afraid than you were the day before. Each week, be less fearful than the week before. Each month and year and decade, be more brazen than the time before. Forgive yourself when you fail, because fear is basic to every creature on earth, and you’ll never be completely free of it. Ninety nine times out of a hundred- a stick in the grass is just a stick - but one time, it’s a rattlesnake ready to strike.”

You see, dad the tortoise was born with a major league fear factor and a lightening quick withdrawal reflex. So he’s had to practice this motto of his very diligently. And as far as I can tell –except when mom the tiger confronts him about one of his idiot-syncracies (as she calls them) – he’s a pretty serene and cool about life.

I fail the fear test often and have to forgive myself about my anxieties at least once a week. But I keep pushing my limits of tolerance and keep taking risks. So I’m getting better. Bravo, bravo to me, and to you as well for trying to live gracefully in this sometimes cruel and insensitive world.

Paris, Diversity and the Sorbonne

I’ve been contemplating the idea of college lately, and when I thought about my options, one stuck out as the obvious choice - the Sorbonne in Paris.

A few years ago, my parents took me on a trip to the marvelous City of Lights. I’ll tell you what, that’s one incredible, lively and, yes, friendly city. Somehow the French got a rep for being haughty, aloof and rude. That must be a truth from a distant past because they treated us like royalty. And remember, we weren’t exactly the most typical tourists - a tiger, turtle and their hybrid kid.

They say that the Eifel Tower is the number one tourist attraction in Paris, but don’t believe it. As far as I could tell from walking miles around the big city and taking the metro, the number one attraction has to be, well, cleavage. Everybody seemed to have it. Not the men of course, but young, middle and aging women showed their stuff and were proud to do it. Mom even got in on the action and displayed some major tiger cleavage. Unfortunately, I’m very limited in that department so I just enjoyed the sightseeing.   
Speaking of the Eifel Tower, you can see a thousand pictures of that mammoth structure, but when you experience it in person, believe me, you will cry. I was rather blasé about visiting the iconic structure, but when I saw it for the first time - the lights sparkling over  that magnificent city - my tears flowed like the Seine.

Tortue, my dad, had one request for our visit to Paris: “We must walk through the campus of the Sorbonne”, he pleaded. Tortue had an American friend who studied French at the University who had recently passed away. She was a Francophile if there ever was one, a true lover of all things French, a teacher of the language and culture. Dad’s wish was to place a bouquet of flowers in the campus courtyard in her honor. And with the help of some gracious French students who showed us the way, that’s exactly what we did. Yet another episode of flowing tears among all of us.

That cinched it for me, along with the vastly diverse culture I experienced in Paris. Here’s the way I  wrote about myself in the e book, Lessons of the Wounded Warrior.

The city has dealt with the likes of Toulouse Lautrec, Van Gogh, Hemingway and Gertrude Stein, not to mention Mr. Bonaparte. And the Moulin Rouge is there as well. Really, Parisians have seen it all, if you know what I mean. I should be just a tiny bleep on their emotional radar, which is perfectly fine with me.

For more about embracing diversity and coping with prejudice, intolerance and bullying, visit www.drparrino.com and check out his free e book on these issues. And for a bonus, you get a more in depth look at moi.

Life’s a Bitch and Then You Have to See a Shrink

Eventually, I had to look at myself in the mirror and admit: “Face it kid! You’re a hybrid – and a good looking one at that. Yet, you need some help coping with the minuscule minds and habits of ‘the mean ones’.”

“Here’s the deal,” I continued talking to moi. “As long as they make you miserable, they will keep on trying…damned them!”

So it was time to check out Dr. G, the towering guru who helped my parents, Cat and Tortue. He turned out to be a pretty cool guy – not the stereotypical flat, unemotional shrink who sits back, rubs his chiny -chin-chin and repeats that nauseating query, “And how does that make you feel?”

Nope, Dr. G was more irate than me about these bullies. Here’s a sample of his tirades from Dr. Parrino’s e book, Lessons of the Wounded Warrior.  

“Disgusting!” he spewed. “Those cruel ones, they create emotional havoc throughout the animal kingdom. Some say it’s the devil’s work, and evil in the world. I say evil, smevil to that. They are a bunch of cowards…yes? Always picking on the tall, short, yellow, green, fat or lean.”  

“And further, my tender child, they crave and achieve great joy from chastising the anxious, melancholy, OCD, ADHD, PTSD and many other vulnerable animals. Those who are coping with bad memories, emotional or physical challenges, or creatures who are just plain introverted. Yes, the cowards choose to prey on the sensitive ones.”

“Ask yourself why? Why would they want to do this?...I could scream at the top of my very long lungs, but that might rile Siggy, so I will just explain their pernicious motives.”

(Siggy is his able assistant, a mynah bird that reminds him of his perfectionist tendencies.) 

“You must understand, my little student, they are full of fear - the darkest, deepest terror known to animals. Yes, fear that if they lose control and power over others, they will be abandoned. Excuse my jungle tongue, but when those who follow their dictates stop caressing their hairy buttocks, they always disintegrate. The cruel ones then regress into a puddle of poop.”

There you go, a super regular creature just like the rest of us. So if you need help (and who doesn’t these days), don’t be afraid to give the ‘shrink job’ a try. It’s a gift to your ‘self’, and a kick in the you-know-whats to your nemeses. And don’t be shy about further inquiries at www.drparrino.com.

Raine’s Psychological Profile: Not Dangerous to Self or Others

When you grow up with a billboard on your back that says “I’m different”, creatures of all types get a kick out of making you miserable. At first, when you’re young and vulnerable and new to the game of bullying and intolerance, you don’t have much of a choice, except to duck and cover your wounds and tolerate these misery-seekers. Later, with a few years and sore spots under your belly, you develop the Big D attitude. That is, you get very defensive. The vulnerable underbelly is still there but covered up by a crusty outer layer of toughness. A necessary evil for dealing with the mean ones of the world. 

Every wounded creature chooses a slightly different strategy for emotional and physical protection. Some learn to be brainiacs and try to outsmart everyone else. Others get bigger and stronger than the neighborhood bullies so no one with f*** with them ever again. Many make the big bucks so they can always buy their way out of trouble.

I chose to, well, let me just show you what the School Psychologist wrote about me. 

Raine is a vulnerable animal that has developed a defensive, cynical attitude to protect her considerable wounds. This creative, intelligent creature has been at the precipice of a nervous breakdown and unconsciously chooses to be persistently vigilant to avert emotional threats from her environment. Prone to use humor to deflect uncomfortable feelings. Edgy, with a sarcastic wit. Should be considered fragile, but not dangerous to self or others. (I love that part.) Needs considerable therapeutic help, when she is ready. 

In layman’s terms, I’d rather be edgy, defensive and cynical than go completely bonkers. And just in case you’re wondering, I wasn’t quite ready for that shrink job. 

Yea, at first that Big D attitude was directed at my parents for the nerve of getting together in the first place: What the heck were they thinking? Didn’t they know what all three of us would be up against? But it was hard to stay mad at them since I wouldn’t exactly be here if they hadn’t made that impulsive decision. And anyway, didn’t they have the right – regardless of their interspecies diversity – to do whatever in the heck they wanted to. Lest we forget, the last time I checked, this was a free country made of a vast diversity of creatures from all over the world. That ‘huddled masses’ stuff, if you know what I mean.

So you see, my attitude is all over the place: at various times hostile, angry, serene and accepting. It just goes with the territory of growing up with unique challenges. More about that later. The School Psychologist quote was taken from Dr. P’s latest free e book, Prejudice and the Progeny. Check it out at www.drparrino.com.

Miniscule Minds Have a Tough Time Embracing Diversity

Raine again, here to answer Dr. Parrino’s question: Why is it so tough to embrace our differences? He may be right about stress, fight-flight, bad memories and all of that scientific stuff. For me, it comes down to one fairly obvious fact: small brains.

Yea…it takes a rather miniscule mind to engage in prejudice, intolerance of differences and especially bullying. Think about it! When one uses his/her big brain to think, let’s say, about chastising the chunky kid at school, you might say to yourself: “Hey that kid has enough problems dealing with a weight problem without having to stress-out over a bunch of smart-assed, skinny peers that want to get a kick from poking at somebody’s sore spot.”

On the other hand, the small brainers don’t put common sense into the formula for bad behavior, but think more like this: “Battering someone else can sure make me feel better about my ‘self’ and I get the added bonus of looking cool with my little groupies.”

Maybe Dr. P was right after all, you know, about bad memories unconsciously provoking bad habits. Of course, those bad habits for some kids reduce the stress of fitting in with the in-crowd. And remember what he said about the brain mistaking a stick for a rattlesnake: That chunky kid is minding his own tough, emotional business, but the bully – because of his/her own fears – sees a rattler that’s about to strike. Sounds a little bonkers, I know, but that’s the way the miniscule mind works under stress.

Anyway, I’ve got my own problems dealing with the small brainers. Here’s an excerpt from Dr. P’s new e book, Prejudice and the Progeny (that’s moi), to help you understand my unique plight and challenges.

“Cat and Tort were angst-provoking, but to tell you the truth, my biggest challenge was at school. You humanoids worry about your kids being pushed around by bullies, and rightfully so. But think about this: We had bona fide bulls at my school. Yea, monstrous creatures with huge torsos, gargantuan horns - and when they were pissed - gross stuff oozed out of their gigantic noses.

If the burly bulls didn’t like your particular look, or your smell - or the way you moved your little fanny - you had big problems. A walk around the schoolyard was an invitation for trouble. At times, I felt like one of those Spanish matadors, side-stepping angry, dangerous toros at every turn. And nobody came to my rescue or screamed “olay” when I executed a cool escape.

My school was pretty much a disaster, with gangs of mammals and reptiles fighting for dominance over the campus. Not a great environment for learning. It’s not easy listening to teachers with reptiles crawling around, and bullshit tossed from one side of the classroom to the other. If you’ve ever been slammed on the side of the head with a flying disc of manure, you understand my pain.”


More “Raine rants” upcoming. For now, go to www.drparrino.com for his free e book about yours truly. Prejudice and the Progeny

Prejudice and the Progeny

Hello, I’m Raine, the main character in Dr. Parrino’s new e book, Prejudice and the Progeny: A Love Story and Lessons for Embracing Our Differences.    He has kindly agreed to allow my unique voice – at times hostile, often erudite and perennially sensitive – to emerge in some of his blogs. You see, I’m the voice of all of us different and sometimes downtrodden beings. 

I am the progeny of a mammal and reptile, a hybrid offspring. Here’s an excerpt from the book to give you an idea of what I look like and perhaps a bit about my character. 

“Okay, so here’s the deal about my looks.  I’m a cross between a tiger and a turtle, a mélange if you will.  So what would you expect?  A muscular, hairy, low-to-the-ground, volatile creature that can break your neck with a sudden life-ending lunge.

Not really. That’s just to create a little drama. I’m pretty mild-mannered like dad, and rather unique looking, some say in a good way.  Not as large and hairy as mom, or as short as dad.  I have cat-like features and a tortoise’s hard shell, the best of both animals. The down side is that I’m bullied by creeps that don’t get my unique looks and divergent view of the world.  That’s when I want more of mom’s personality.”

As Dr. Parrino stated in an earlier blog, it’s tough to embrace our differences. Mom and Dad, Cat and Tortue, started off in a state of bliss (Early Relationship Brain Dysfunction according to Dr. G, their therapist), but soon after their offbeat wedding, reality set in, and they began to struggle with a minor fact that somehow eluded them: tigers and turtles are from different species. Seems like a no brainer, doesn’t it?

Then they had moi, the off-spring, which made the three of us the perfect target for prejudice, intolerance, and especially for me, a bad case of bullying. So that’s what I want to write about in future blogs. If you want to read more about mom, dad and me, check out Dr. P’s free e book at www.drparrino.com.

The Use of Eye Movement Therapy to Tackle Intolerance

Here are the major points I’ve made in previous blogs:

… The early learning experiences from parents and significant others that teach us to overuse “the suspicious eye” – the brain’s survival reflex that mistakes a stick for a rattlesnake - can add fuel to the fire of an aversion to differences.

… If we took ten people who stated openly - “I just don’t particularly care for people from that country” – and measured their brain-body reactions when talking about “those people”, we would find that their fight-flight response was activated at some level, from mild to extreme arousal.

… Stressful events are stored in the emotional centers of the brain, and influence unconscious feelings and automatic reactions in adulthood. It helps answer the question: Why is it so tough to embrace our differences?

… When a negative memory and focused attention to eye movements occur together, the dual stimulation seems to weaken the negative memory. This neural pathway to therapeutic success is one of several theories that are currently being investigated to help explain the rapid success of eye movement therapy.

Can the information summarized above help in the fight to reduce intolerance and embrace diversity? If we transfer the positive results in the last 20 years in stress and trauma reduction (scientifically validated in the EMDR journal) to the areas of bullying, ethnic and sexual intolerance, the possibilities become exciting, particularly for a stress expert like me. Let’s take the example of bullying.

Consider these alarming facts.

…Children and youth in the U.S. are teased and tormented by bullies to the extent that 160,000 students skip school each day (Olweus, 1993).

…86 % of children and youth ages 12-15 said they get teased or bullied at school, making bullying more prevalent than smoking, alcohol, drugs and sex among this age group (Kaiser Foundation, Nickelodeon TV Network and Children Now, 2001).

…The most common forms of bullying are related to physical appearance, disabilities, perceived sexual orientation or gender expression (Survey, 2008). 31 % of gay youth get threatened or injured at school in one year (Bart, 1998).

Bullying is not limited to the U.S. but occurs in countries throughout the world. The most disturbing fact is provided by the course authors who reviewed the studies cited above: “…the common thread in all countries is that children are relentlessly and repeatedly bullied without significant objections or outrage from responsible adults.” (Elite Continuing Education)

Clearly, we need to help children and youth who have been victims of intimidation with every therapy method available. To make a dramatic inroad into this problem, we need to treat the children and youth who are the perpetrators of bullying. And we need to get to them as early as possible. My expertise is primarily with adults, but many EMDR trained therapists, thousands of them, are child experts. They have used their technology very effectively to work with child trauma, stress and anxiety issues, and a host of other problems. The technology is available to apply an eye movement desensitization approach in an early intervention program for children and youth who show bullying and intimidation tendencies.

In order to accomplish this goal, we need a bit of “outrage from responsible adults”: teacher, parents, administrators, government officials, physicians and mental health workers.

This is just one example of how we can get started in making inroads to the rampant problem of intolerance. I hope to discuss other ways in future blogs. Visit www.drparrino.com for more on EMDR and other relaxation and desensitization technologies.

Intolerance and Reprocessing Bad Memories

I think we can all agree that intolerance is getting worse in our country and perhaps is spreading like an epidemic. A recent AP poll has found that racism has actually increased in this country in the last four years since we’ve had an African-American president. The same poll found that negative attitudes towards Hispanics has increased as well. Bullying in our schools and neighborhoods is more rampant than ever. Kids who are diverse in any way – disabled, homosexual and those of a different ethnic origin – are reporting more incidents of harassment than ever. There are certainly numerous causes for this increase in intolerance towards diversity, but as a stress expert, I want to explore the role of stress and unprocessed memories in this etiology of intolerance. And, most importantly, these questions: Is there something that can be done about this growing problem? Do mental health professionals have a technology that can help?

To gain a basic understanding of what happens during stress and trauma, consider this scenario: A child is surrounded by the security of his home environment.  Suddenly, the serenity is shattered by the frightening sounds of mom and dad fighting. The child’s two heroes, the only dependable sources of security in his life, are having a knock-down-drag-out.  This scares and overwhelms the child, and his reflexive emotional reactions are fear and anxiety. His heart pounds and breathing is rapid. He wants to flee, to retreat to a safe place, but there is nowhere to hide.

Luckily, the fighting subsides and mom and dad approach their child to soothe his frazzled nerves: "It's just a little disagreement honey. Everything is okay." This nurturing is helpful, and for the moment, he can let go of the trauma.  But the brain has an important job to do: It stores this fear-provoking experience in a memory network that’s coded “dangerous altercations".

Imagine the multitude of times this danger signal becomes activated in childhood.  After years of labeling, storing and coping with stress, our brains have developed numerous networks of memories to remind, prepare and protect us from future threats.  And there are billions of brain cells devoted to this task.

As adults, relationship conflict may trigger the activation of this same neural network and avoidance/flight becomes the norm. The distinction between past and present threat is blurred. As far as our brains are concerned, we are still in danger and escape may be our only mode of survival.

            In a case of chronic conflict avoidance, a therapist who practices EMDR therapy (mentioned in an earlier blog) encourages the individual to call up and hold the threatening memory while focusing on a compelling stimulus (a finger moving rapidly in front of his\her eyes)? The dual task – paying attention and calling up a memory – is inherently difficult for the brain. And, when memory and focused attention occur together, the dual stimulation seems to weaken the negative memory. This neural pathway to therapeutic success is one of several theories that are currently being investigated to help explain the rapid success of eye movement therapy.

A dual attention task like eye movements, when used by a qualified clinician as part of a comprehensive, eight step treatment plan, speeds up the process of change.  Every facet of therapy is accelerated: insight into problems, connecting past to present, the release of powerful emotions, relaxation and behavior change.

The eye movements (and other dual attention maneuvers developed by Dr. Francine Shapiro) have a way of breaking into the neural network of the brain that holds dysfunctional memories.  Once the clinician breaks into the network, the data spring to life.  And when this "release" takes place, resolution is not far behind. According to Shapiro, the memory has been successfully reprocessed.

            In my next blog, I will discuss the potential use of EMDR therapy to tackle the growing problem of intolerance. Visit my blog, www.drparrino.com, to read my article on this fascinating procedure: Stress Relief Benefits of Reprocessing Bad Memories.

Stress and Prejudice: The Role of Memory in Triggering Intolerance

Consider the following fabricated scenario: As a child, you repeatedly experienced your mom and dad fighting over money.  The greenbacks were scarce in those days and major expenditures created stress, tension and conflict. You grow up motivated to develop your own business and, due to skill and a little bit of luck, you become successful beyond your wildest dreams. You are now wealthy and the green stuff is no longer a scarcity in your life. This should enable you to relax about money and prevent it from being a source of stress, tension and conflict with your spouse. Right? Well, not exactly. Let me tell you why.

The memory of repeated arguments about money are stored in various parts of your brain – particularly the emotional centers – that continue to get aggravated when dealing with major expenditures, even though the common sense, logical brain can say: “Hey, why worry? I’m incredibly rich!” This phenomenon of the “worried rich” is due to what’s called “unprocessed memory”. In a nutshell, your brain is very sensitive about being poor when you were a vulnerable kid. The emotional centers still compel you to believe that spending significant amounts of money is a threatening experience.

Unprocessed memories cause problems in many facets of our lives. Because these memories are connected to the fight-flight response, they tend to override the logical, thinking process of our brains. If there is a perceived threat in our environments, the emotional brain usurps our ability to use common sense. The brain automatically thinks: “This is a matter of survival. Forget logic, let’s send out the troupes”.

This research on stressful and traumatic early memories  - and how they continue to haunt us into adulthood - has been spearheaded by a brilliant Psychologist, Dr. Francine Shapiro, the originator of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), a therapy procedure that treats unprocessed memories.  I will write about EMDR in future blogs. For now, it is important to use Dr. Shapiro’s work to help make the connection between memories and intolerance.

Once again, consider the fabricate scenario - your early stressful experience with mom, dad and money. This time, however, substitute greenbacks with tension and conflict over the ‘foreigners’ who moved next door to you when you were eight years old. Mom wanted to befriend them, make them feel welcome in the neighborhood, but dad objected violently to this idea. They fought over this issue repeatedly, and mom finally gave in to dad’s knee-jerk, stereotyped ideas about them, which he learned in his family of origin.

Unless you experienced a major desensitizing experience with these ‘foreigners’ during childhood - like befriending and having fun with their children - you would be prone to shy away from this group, perhaps even, like dad, find yourself with an angry aversion to them as an adult. This is one way that unprocessed memories lead to intolerance of others. These stressful events are stored in the emotional centers of your brain, and influence unconscious feelings and automatic reactions in adulthood. It helps answer the question: Why is it so tough to embrace our differences? My next blog will focus on one potential solution to the issue of intolerance. Visit www.drparrino.com, for more info on stress and memory.

Stress and Prejudice: The Fight-Flight Response

By now, everyone is familiar with the fight-flight response; that internal, brain-body reaction that occurs when we become afraid (flight) and angry (fight). It also occurs in more subtle ways when we become timid (flight) and defensive (fight). It’s the brain’s way of alerting us to a threat in the environment so that we can prepare to tangle with the danger or get the heck away from it. And this reflex - with all of its accompanying adrenalin rush - is often present when you don’t want or need it: giving a speech or trying to have an important talk with your spouse about the state of the “union”. 

T he stress reaction can leap out of nowhere: a current situation in your life taps an unconscious memory that makes you feel queasy. Your body is giving you a distress  signal that - once upon a time - this stranger you’re talking to reminds you of a guy/gal who bullied you in high school. You experience the feelings but not the bad memory that’s connected to him/her. You don’t know why but there’s an instant  dislike and aversion to this person. 

If we took ten people who stated openly - “I just don’t particularly care for people from that country” – and measured their brain-body reactions when talking about “those people”, we would find that their fight-flight response was activated at some level, from mild to extreme arousal. They might say, when asked about the origins of this dislike: “I don’t know, It’s just a gut feeling.” IF we investigated this response further, we would likely find some aversive memory associated with this automatic dislike that the group of ten was not aware of. This “memory factor” will be the subject of my next blog. For more info about stress and its effect on our lives, visit my website at www.drparrino.com.

Stress and Prejudice: Why Is It So Tough to Embrace Our Differences?

Intro

I have been a stress expert for several decades, and my thoughts have recently turned to the effects of stress on prejudice and intolerance. I grew up in the inner city with mixed ethnic groups living and working together, and was accustomed to hearing three languages spoken, sometimes in the same sentence.  My dad only went to the second grade, never learned to read or write, and spoke English with a distinct Italian accent. But people who knew languages would say that he spoke Italian and Spanish as if he had been to graduate school. My high school educated mom spoke four languages. So it makes sense that my mind has now turned to the issue of multiculturalism.

My blogs on this subject will focus on educating you about the potential stress-related triggers to  prejudice. I realize that intolerance and bullying cause an enormous amount of stress on its victims, but the literature on this subject is growing and significantly larger than writings on stress as a potential trigger  for victimizing others.

Why is it so tough to embrace our differences? My belief is that an understanding of the brain’s fight-flight response and the way the brain stores threatening memories will educate readers about one important variable that contributes to the growing threat of intolerance in modern society.

I am a Clinical Psychologist with advanced training in the neurosciences so my focus will be on stress from a brain, body and behavior perspective. In future blogs, I will write about the fight-flight response and the brain’s tendency to overreact emotionally to perceived threat, as well as the issue of early learning and memory storage of emotional experiences.

First a caveat and disclosure: I realize that prejudice and intolerance are complex issues and don’t pretend to know the answer to these problems. Clearly, there are multiple causes that are being considered by other professionals such as Social Psychologist, Sociologists and specialists on racism. My intent – based on decades of work on stress and anxiety – is to fill in the gap of information on the mental, physical and behavioral sides of the intolerance of diversity.

In a way, we all have the capacity to be cautious, suspicious even paranoid about people who are different from us.  It stems from a built-in, automatic brain system that keeps alert about potential dangers in our environment. I call it the “suspicious eye”.  The early learning experiences from parents and significant others that teach us to overuse this “eye” can add fuel to the fire of this aversion to differences.

The knowledge of the effects of stress on prejudice may give us clues to the most important issue: How do we increase tolerance of diversity in our world. That’s my ultimate goal for writing this blog. For more information about stress and its profound effects on brain, body and behavior, you can visit my website at www.drparrino.com.

NEVER POINT A LOADED GUN AT YOUR MARRIAGE: How to Conquer Stress Before It Slays Your Love

A married couple must confront more than a ‘lack of communication’ to heal a troubled relationship. Stress is a silent killer of love. The brain’s habit of swiftly igniting stress and defensiveness - the fight flight reflex - is the smoking gun of love’s demise.
In my new e book, NEVER POINT A LOADED GUN AT YOUR MARRIAGE: How to Conquer Stress Before It Slays Your Love, I use jungle animals – a Tiger and Giraffe - to symbolize the fight and flight reactions that are natural in all of us. These animals have opposing traits in the jungle, yet they are irresistibly attracted to each other. I often warn my clients: “You know the honeymoon is over when primordial habits appear on the marital scene: Conflict escalates, the Tiger claws at the Giraffe for love, and the tall, repressive animal retreats for cover.”
My mind-body strategy for love relationships is based on the powerful principles of Relationship Stress Management (RSM). Readers will learn to manage destructive thoughts, relax defensive reactions, and emit positive actions in the midst of conflict. As they learn to conquer their impulses to fight (the Tiger) or flee (the Giraffe), they tap the Love Reflex (the Elephant) – an instinctual yearning to reach out and connect with their partners.
This fable is a simple, entertaining and profound story. Readers will experience a personal safari through the jungle of love, and uncover the Tiger, Giraffe and Elephant in their love lives. And they will discover that the principles of RSM are powerful tools in their pursuits of marital health and happiness.

You can purchase a copy of my new eBook on Amazon by clicking here

You can find my website at drparrino.com

Stress Relief Benefits of Humor in Our Favorite Sitcoms

John J. Parrino, Ph.D

Sitcoms give us a chance to relax, let go of reality and experience some good belly laughs. Let’s dig a bit deeper into the dynamics of the characters to decipher how these shows provide viewers with the benefits of stress relief.

Many sitcoms feature a control freak – often a man – who strives to be the center of his Universe. One or more victims revolve around this character and are the brunt of his jokes and putdowns. A counterbalancing force, a nemesis, is often present to keep the control freak in check.

Two and a Half Men is a perfect example. Charlie is the self-centered, control freak who uses sex appeal, money and an outrageous self confidence to control his brother and the plethora of women in his life. Alan doesn’t have a chance against Charlie. He’s divorced and broke, with no place to live and low self esteem. This up-down relationship provides lots of laughs, mainly at Alan’s expense.

Much of the fun in sitcoms stems from the battle between the control freak and his nemeses. Jake, Charlie’s nephew, ignores his Uncle and prefers to focus on food, games and bodily functions. Berta, the brute of a housekeeper, downsizes Charlie’s huge ego every chance she gets. She doesn’t give a flip about his sex appeal or money, and refuses to feed his inflated sense of self. By the end of each episode, nemesis Berta provokes change in the group dynamics. Charlie temporarily loses control of his finely tuned Universe, and Alan recovers a bit of respect at his brother’s expense, only to start again next week with the same old scenario.

Is this an all-too-familiar psychodrama? Of course! In real life, self-centered people are perennially manipulating us for their own good. This is what the creators of certain sitcoms have in mind: Each episode presents reality in an exaggerated, funny way, and then the control freak gets his comeuppance. We identify with the characters and their nutty habits, laugh at them and feel a sense of relief. If we can’t stick it to the bad guy in reality, at least his nemesis does the job for us.

These forces unfold differently in each sitcom, depending on the unique gifts of our antihero. Larry, The Larry David Show, is a misfit of a personality, socially awkward but immensely successful. This gives him confidence and chutzpah, which he uses to control his now ex-wife Cheryl and agent Jeff. Fortunately, he gets a regular tongue lashing from the expletive-proficient Susie.

The most popular sitcoms in recent history make use of this psychological triangle in some manner. Watch how this successful formula unfolds: Jerry Seinfeld is a compulsive control freak with a dysfunctional entourage - George and Elaine - who revolve around his fame. In an ironic twist of reality, Kramer – the weirdo – challenges, frustrates and takes advantage of Jerry, and he drives him a little nuts as well.

In Frasier, the Psychiatrist-turned-radio-personality has a voracious appetite for fame that devours everyone in its path, particularly his brother Niles. Roz and Daphne periodically get a bit chewed up as well. But Martin, his blue collar dad, comes to the rescue and persistently punctures his bloated ego.

Everybody Loves Raymond has the same three forces at play: With the aid of Marie, his doting, manipulative mother, Ray controls his wife Debra and his brother Robert. But he gets his self confidence shattered on a regular basis by Frank, his cranky Italian father.

Control freaks are emotional magnets for the rest of us who lack their grandiose sense of self importance. A good sitcom takes advantage of this attraction to connect us to the characters. We crave laughing at their antics because the humor offers a bit of comic relief. This can be a healthy antidote to reality where our struggles with self-centered people are perennially challenging, and not so terribly funny.

Dr. John J. Parrino is a Clinical Psychologist in private practice in Atlanta, Georgia, and the author of self help and advice books on stress and relationship issues. For more information on his publications and free online articles, go to his website at http://www.drparrino.com/.

Primaries, Presidential Politics and a Few Good Shrinks

John J. Parrino, Ph.D

The chronic stress of present-day presidential politics must lead all rational Americans to an incontrovertible conclusion: the time has come to assign a few good shrinks to the candidates.

Imagine how bored their Docs must get waiting for plaque to build up in coronary arteries or watching for a polyp to crop up on intestinal walls. On the other hand, psychological experts would have their hands full immediately.

The candidates need real pros to provide feedback when their verbal habits veer off track, help them unload repressed feelings when the media frustrates them, and provide emotional support after the ‘accusation of the day’ from their own and the opposing party.

The presidential aspirants might require a team of specialists: a marriage counselor when things get tough with the prospective First Partner, a Psychologist to help with the self-esteem issues that stem from striving to be adored by several hundred million people, and when all else fails, a Psychiatrist to give their brain cells a boost of serotonin.

We Americans suffer from the illusion that our chosen leaders must have their collective heads on pretty straight. Not necessarily true! When you’re at the top, people get squeamish about pointing out your idiosyncrasies. Would you tell the prospective President of the most powerful country in the world that his temper tantrums with the media represent unresolved rage towards his/her mother? Of course not, but a good Shrink would!

We need a permanent policy mandating a few good shrinks to follow each potential leader. Wouldn't it inspire confidence in our candidates - and set a great example for our kids - if the networks ended their news programs with this important message:

“And finally, ladies and gentlemen, we come to our Presidential candidate Smith, who consulted a counselor today because

.....the pressure of running for the most powerful position in the world was stressing him/her out.

.....he/she had a nightmare last night that revealed deep-seated 
feelings of inadequacy.

.....and, worst of all, the prospective First Partner was peeved at him/her during dinner.

The presidential aspirants exhibit these natural human reactions whether we want to believe it or not. Do you want someone running your country that is not in touch with his/her deep-seated feelings 
of inadequacy?

We should require each candidate running for the highest 
office in the land to submit to a complete psychological 
evaluation. Our team of shrinks could be summoned to the primaries to pinpoint potential problems. Family members would be interviewed to evaluate the level of dysfunction in the prospective First Family. This way, we could tell if a future “Prez” was about to experience a midlife crisis. A candidate with sociopathic tendencies could be eliminated before he/she got into serious trouble.

Think about it! Can we afford to take a chance with the future Big Guy/Gal’s psyche? That's pretty risky! Remember, our lives will ultimately be dependent on the ongoing health of his/her brain cells.

Dr. John J. Parrino is a Psychologist and author in Atlanta, Georgia. His website is http://www.drparrino.com.

Day: 404 8431612 x5

Evening: 770 9736888

GUT BREATHING: THE FASTEST RELAXATION TECHNIQUE...EVER

In my stress seminars, I would always pose this challenge: If you were the midst of a tense, stressed and angry crowd and had a mere fifteen minutes to get control over them, what would you do? People said things like hose them down with water, force them to chase you until they got tired, and some said simply” beg for mercy”. All reasonable good options of course, but being a stress doc, my answer was: Teach them how to relax. It’s the best way to quickly reduce tension, stress and anger.

I’ve studied and used relaxation techniques for decades and have finally discovered one that is scientifically sound and, most importantly, a method that people will actually use. There are many great relaxation methods like meditation, yoga and tai chi, and believe me, I’ve taught all of them. But none of them work unless you practice. So I searched for a technique was valid, effective and fast. And the winner is…diaphragmatic breathing or gut breathing, as I call it.

VALIDITY. There are numerous studies that support the validity of gut breathing. I won’t bore you with them here. If you are interested, write to me via my website (included below) and I will send you the references.

EFFECTIVE. It slows breathing, heart rate, reduces muscle tension, quiets the mind, etc. Every healthy response you want in a relaxation technique.

FAST: Gut breathing takes fifteen minutes or less to learn, and you can practice it in multiple one minute sessions throughout the day.

Now really! Is that too much to ask for better mental health, less tension, stress and anger, and even better relationships. I practice gut breathing everyday myself, and can vouch for its benefits.

Here is a simple way to learn the technique which is taken from my latest stress book, NOW WE KNOW WHY IT’S CALLED A PUNCH LIST: How to Cope When Your Beloved Home Is Invaded by a Gang of Tool-Wielding, Tattooed, Organized-Challenged Contractors and Subs (www.stresscomedy.com).

Step 1. In a sitting or standing position, place one hand on your chest and another on your gut. Take a deep breath - through your gut - so that your hand rises slowly as you breathe in. Your chest should move only slightly or not at all. Breathe in very slowly until your lungs are full of air. Hold your breath for just a moment.

Step 2. Release your breath ever so slowly, resisting the temptation to let it go all at once. You have now completed one breath cycle.

Step 3. Repeat this pattern of breathing several times until you get accustomed to this “gut breathing” and find that your chest barely moves as you breathe in air. When you feel that you have learned the “gut breathing” method, you can bring you hands back to your sides, and begin practicing in a more normal position.

Studies have shown that people under stress engage in shallow, chest-oriented breathing. Interestingly enough, this form of hyperventilation is particularly evident when you are sitting at your computer. Check yourself out. Are your breaths short and coming from your chest? Yep…got you!

Try the three steps right now and notice the quick changes in breathing, overall tension level and feelings of well-being. Gut breathing is truly one of the best things you can do for your “self”. Of course, the best training results are obtained by doing a fifteen minute practice session each day followed by one minute sessions as you need them; that is, when you catch yourself breathing incorrectly.

Until the next time, may your habits be calming and health-enhancing.

INFIDELITY: What Does Stress Have To Do With It?

You don’t have to go far from the sex organs to understand why a man or woman would be unfaithful to his/her partner. Just look straight up to the perpetrator’s brain.

Today’s short neurobiology lesson will help you understand what I mean: Look at the commonly depicted side view of the brain and you see the thick, undulating surface called the cortex, which among other functions allows us to use logic and make rational choices in our lives. Look below the surface and observe a smaller version of the same structure, which contains the stress and emotional structures. They are responsible for the fight/fight reflex, feelings of pleasure, fear, anger and rage. Billions of interconnections between these brain parts allow logical thinking, stress and emotions to work together for a unified, effective strategy of living.

During highly stressful times, logical thinking tends to decrease dramatically. Remember that promise you made to yourself at Thanksgiving: “I absolutely refuse to binge on Mom’s apple and pumpkin pies. This year I’m going to control my urges.” Well…the pies were staring at you, and Uncle Harry was particularly annoying, so bingo!…Logic went down the drain like Aunt Mary’s lousy green bean casserole. Logic was the victim of stress, strong emotions and those pesky pleasures centers in the more impulsive parts of your brain.

Now for the salacious part of this story: A guy or gal that has never learned to manage stress effectively – one who spends too much time in the stress zone and little time in the relaxed zone - is prone to a myriad of strong feelings and bad habits. Emotional eating is one example. Drug, gambling and spending addiction are others. Sexual addiction and infidelity can be added to that list as well.

Don’t get me wrong. This is not the entire story behind infidelity. Your learning history is critical; that is, what you internalized from mom and dad’s levels of commitment and fidelity. And some people have psychiatric conditions that make them more infidelity-prone than others. Each can be risk factors for chronic unfaithfulness - and when you add stress to that formula - you have a loaded gun pointed at your marriage.

This is a case for seeking professional help. As you know, I’m a huge advocate of - to put it in the vernacular - getting your head shrunk. Don’t hesitate. All of us can use an expert’s advice in these trying times.

So this is what I hear people say about megastars being unfaithful: “It doesn’t make any sense. He has everything going for him. Why would he get himself in such a stupid jam? Doesn’t he realize the consequences of his behavior? The money, the marriage, the children. I just don’t understand. ”

Perhaps this brief and admittedly overly simplified treatise can help. You have to manage stress or it will take its toll on rational thinking and actions. No one is immune, no matter how talented, rich and famous. It’s your brain. You are responsible for keeping it happy and healthy.

NEW STRESS BOOK EARNS A REVIEWER'S CHOICE DESIGNATION

My new stress book recently earned a Reviewer's Choice designation from the premier online magazine, Midwest Book Review. I'm quite honored to receive this review, so - shamelessly - I have published it below.

Construction work on your home while you're living in it can be a very stressful thing. "Now We Know Why It's Called a Punch List" is a guide for the homeowner facing renovations and wants to try to get their development pushed along in the most painless way possible while having a laugh along the way. "Now We Know Why It's Called a Punch List" is a light hearted yet highly useful read. James A. Cox, Editor-in-Chief, Small Press Bookwatch

You can check-out my new book at www.stresscomedy.com. Below you can read an interview with me about the book.


Dr. Parrino…Why did you decide to write an advice book about the stress of home renovation projects?

Every homeowner has a renovation nightmare story. Over the years, I’ve heard many of them from neighbors, family and friends, and then my wife and I had a personal experience with renovation stress. So it seemed like the perfect scenario for stress management training.

What’s the central message or piece of advice from the book?

It’s about self management: If you can’t control the people and events that hassle the heck out of you, learn to manage your internal reactions to them. Humans are naturally prone to engage in crooked thinking, especially in situations that provoke anxiety and anger. And when our emotions override logic, we react with a fight/flight response that exacerbates stress. So we must learn the very important skills of: 1) recognizing, challenging and correcting crooked thinking; mental and physical relaxation; and assertiveness training.

You mentioned crooked thinking as a stress inducer. I haven’t heard of that before. Can you give me a concrete example?

Absolutely! Expecting life events to unfold exactly as they are supposed to is an example of crooked thinking. The key words here are “expecting” and “supposed to”. This happens chronically in renovation projects. We expect goals to be met on time and costs to reflect what we were promised. When the time frame is changed and the costs have doubled, we have a “stress fit”. Believe it or not, you can learn to be much less reactive to the inevitable changes that take place in a remodeling project…and life in general . That’s what I teach in the book.

Why did you combine advice and humor?

First, there is plenty of evidence that humor and a good laugh are exceptional stress relieves, and there are very few advice books that use them as teaching devices. Secondly, the coming together of homeowners and construction crews create a very diverse group of characters, an odd coupling if you will. Take my situation. I’m a bona fide egghead who wouldn’t know a drill bit from a sledge hammer. The subs looked at me like I was from another Universe. Yet we were thrown together in one of life’s most stressful encounters. It made for some interesting dynamics and – depending on the way you think about it - a lot of humor on the way to the punch list.

The book was a quick, fun read, and the advice was easy to follow. Did you have fun writing it?

Oh yes! It is my most creative book, no doubt. And working with a talented illustrator like Susan Antinori was a blast. I would write the narrative, think of an image that accentuated it, and she quickly captured my idea in a dramatic, funny illustration. She really nailed the humor that is inherent in the wild and crazy family that is created when homeowner meets a contractor and his subs.

HOW TO BE SAVVY ABOUT HOLIDAY STRESS

In my previous blog, I outlined a method for becoming a Stress Watcher; that is, someone who pays close attention to the build-up of mind and body stress in order to manage it effectively. The following is the application of this technique to help you be savvy about holiday stress.

Americans have a love/hate relationship with the holidays. We adore them as an opportunity to divert ourselves from the grind of everyday living, spend time with loved ones and indulge in fattening goodies that are forbidden the rest of the year. But we loathe the festive season when it adds stress to a mind and body already stressed to the max.

I teach my stress management clients to recognize stress by counting blocks. This exercise can be helpful for recognizing and changing the tension that many of us experience during the holidays.

Start with a scale of zero (0) to ten (10). The low end of the scale indicates total relaxation; the high end represents panic. Zero (0), for example, may be attained on a long seaside vacation. A ten (10) is appropriate if you’re visiting the zoo, a gorilla has escaped and he’s looking specifically for you.

Let’s assume you’re loaded up with five (5) blocks of stress simply from everyday living. Now observe what happens when you confront the season. Add the following stress blocks:

$ One for extra shopping.

$ One if you plan to travel to spend time with relatives.

$ One for financial distress.

$ Two for the feeling that your pants are getting tighter.

$ Five if you plan to spend time with a headstrong, stubborn, controlling or volatile relative.

Five (your regular stress level) plus 10, of course, equals 15 (maxed out). By New Years Day, you’ll be ready to run away from home to join the circus.

The solution is simple: You have to (A) start with fewer blocks of stress, and/or (B) learn to subtract stress blocks as they pile up.


The fewer-blocks-of stress solution is a reasonable option if you can do something drastic, such as take a vacation from one of the holidays. In the past five years, my family has opted for this one, and it has worked beautifully. We steal away to the beach for Thanksgiving, thus easing into December on the lower end of the scale.
To execute Option B, you have to be a bit wicked. I don’t mean wicked in the negative or amoral sense, but rather in the sense of being assertive and a little mischievous, willing to say no to events and people who demand too much, and yes to yourself.

Staying balanced can include subtracting the following stress blocks:

$ One for keeping your shopping down to a reasonable level.

$ One if you decide to stay home instead of travel.

$ One for conducting a family meeting in which you decide together to spend less this holiday.

$ Two if you give yourself permission to allow a little natural tightness in the waistline, thus avoiding the double-digit stress of gaining weight and enormous guilt at the same time.

$ Five if you manage to avoid the stress carrier relative in your family.

In sum, use the stress-blocks approach to monitor the buildup of holiday stress. Start off with less stress by radically changing your approach to one of the holidays, and make a commitment to subtract one block of stress for every one that you add. Get your family to do the same.

This little exercise may help create the happy and relaxed atmosphere you’ve always wished for during the holidays.

ANGER AND RAGE IN THE NEWS: COULD STRESS BE A FACTOR

The following incidents were recently reported in the news:

…A trained healer, a Physician, punches a woman in a road rage incident.
…A coach who helps manage rage on the football field assaults his assistant.
…A guy spanks a child (not his own) who disturbs him in a supermarket.

What could these - and hundreds of others incidents of anger and rage - have in common? My work in anger management suggests that stress could be a significant factor in these acts of aggression.

Stress is pervasive these days and exerts its influence on how we act and feel. And it has an especially powerful effect on the expression of potentially dangerous emotions like anger and rage. Let me show you how stress, anger and rage are connected, and how Stress and Anger Management (SAM) can help people change.

First, think of your stress potential as ten small blocks that tend to pile up in your brain and body. Your stress potential builds as soon as you experience a stressor in your daily life. If one, two or three blocks build up in your day, you’re relaxed and in pretty good shape (emotionally speaking). Five blocks represent the midpoint on this stress scale. It is the threshold point. Once you pass five, you cross into the danger zone. The closer you get to ten blocks of stress, the more apt you are to blow your top.

Okay, let’s start your day. A poor night’s sleep earns you two blocks of stress. Traffic bumps you up to four. Your bosses’ insensitivity pushes you over the threshold (five +) and into the danger zone. This stressed state primes you for emotional reactivity. You are ready to fight or flee at the slightest provocation, and you’re not even home yet. If the atmosphere at home is perfectly calm, you can subtract a couple of stress blocks, relax and enjoy your family. However, a tense home environment adds insult to injury. There’s a good chance that the minor hassles of family life will trigger irritation, hostility or full-blown anger.

Many of us race through life with chronic stress; that is, we carry between five and ten blocks of stress throughout our nervous systems on a perennial basis. I can’t be sure about the three cases mentioned above, but my suspicion is this: They were at eight, nine or even ten blocks on the stress scale. Powder kegs ready to explode.

The first step of my SAM program is to watch/monitor your stress blocks on a daily basis. You must become a good stress watcher. That means checking your stress levels three to four times per day. Stress watchers ask themselves the following questions on a regular basis: “How’s my breathing? Is it rapid or slow?” “What about muscle tension? Do I feel braced or relaxed?” And what about my mental state? Am I worried and overwhelmed by rapid-fire thoughts or am I thinking calmly and clearly?

In sum, your stress scale can build rapidly unless you learn to recognize the escalation and manage the stress before it reaches the danger zone. Through stress watching, you can begin to become keenly aware of your propensity to anger and rage. It encourages self statements such as: “I am getting awfully close to five, my danger zone, so I’d better back off, take a deep breath and deal with this situation when I’m calmer.” That slight pause prodded by self awareness is a powerful stress and anger management technique. Try it and see for yourself.

To read more about the management of stress and anger, take a look at my latest book: NOW WE KNOW WHY IT’S CALLED A PUNCH LIST: How to Cope When Your Beloved Home is Invaded by a Gang of Tool-Wielding, Tattooed, Organized-Challenged Contractors and Subs at www.stresscomedy.com.

Future blogs will outline the other steps in my SAM program. And remember, you may discover – through your stress watching - that your anger and rage is already chronic and potentially dangerous. Please reach out for professional help. Like the three incidents mentioned at the start of this blog, there are times when stress has passed the point of self help and an expert’s advice.

As always, may your habits be calming and health-enhancing.

THE FIVE HARD-WORKING HORSES OF STRESS MANAGEMENT

The following is a model for understanding stress. It is the backbone of my stress management program, and I will return frequently to this model in future blogs.

The Stress Management System (SMS) is our primary instrument for coping with stress. It’s made up of thoughts, emotions, body reactions and actions, four of the five hardworking horses of the SMS. A simple example of how these four horses help us survive is illustrated in the fight/flight reaction to a threatening situation. You’re walking down a dark alley and a large figure confronts you. There’s no time for logical thinking. No…your brain and body go to automatic mode: an instantaneous fear response (emotions), size up the danger (reflexive thoughts), physically reactions (adrenalin rush), and take action (fight and/or flight). Logic sets in afterwards: “I’ll call the cops”.

The fifth, and frequently ignored horse, is a nurturing relationship. Yes…most of us have to whine, cry, blab, complain and spew some venom to somebody who cares.

Fortunately, our stressors don’t involve dark alleys but rather the hassles of everyday life. The five horses of stress management conduct their work in these situations as well, except in a more complex manner. Each horse has the ability to fail or triumph under stress. And, the sum of these failures and triumphs determines how well we cope with any given life stressor. You have, no doubt, experienced the following:

…Thoughts can be rational or irrational. You can worry excessively about small life events and be perfectly logical about the big ones.

…Emotions overwhelm us or help achieve a sense of relief. Expressing the right dose of anger feels good, but rage gets you into serious trouble with others.

… Body reactions are short, helpful or they stick around too long and wear out the “furniture”. An acute rise in blood pressure gets you fired up in an athletic event but chronic hypertension is a dangerous medical condition.

…Actions can be constructive or destructive. Hard work “brings home the bacon” but workaholism erodes family bonds and may be a risk factor for heart disease.

Finally, and very importantly,

…Relationships nurture or compound stress. A healthy marriage is a formula for a healthy mind and body, but marital conflict exacerbates the hassles of everyday living.

In sum, your thoughts, emotions, physical reactions, actions and relationships count. I will address each of your “stress management horses” in future blogs with an emphasis on riding each horse on a path to healthy coping.

Until then, may your habits be calming and health-inducing.